Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   95% of my news feed is now agenda driven. The other 5% is: "There's a bed and a chair in a room. If someone enters the room, how many pancakes each did the seat cushion and the mattress eat?

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.