Funny Status Messages

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.

   New FB Idea...a Middle finger button! Who's with me?...

   Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   having some beef tongue tacos. its like french kissing a cow... Yum!!

   woman, get in that kitchen and cook me a turkey pot pie!!

   So what does it mean if I open a fortune cookie and there is no fortune in it? your thoughts please.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   stomach making weird noises... must be making poop

   "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes..." - Jeffrey Dahmer's grocery list

   Something is definitely up at this police station, the cops are f$cking everywhere.

   If you guys ever visit NASA don't go on the Sally Ride.

   Does it still count as a hit and run if I hit a Ford Fiesta?

   "I could go for some yogurt!" - no man ever

   My favorite way to piss a girl off is to keep accidentally calling her Nicole.

   No, I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that....

   Beer is now cheaper than GAS! Drink don't Drive...

   funny how the smell of a fart can remind you of the meals you've consumed for the day

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.