Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do the people with the worst breath want to hit you with every "H" word in the dictionary?

   When my sons says, "I`ve cleaned my room," that usually means "I`ve made a path from the door to my bed."

   Laughter is the best medicine... except for treating diarrhea...

   Wanna see if your girl has a real sense of humor? Tell her the ginormous zit under her nose makes her look like Marylyn Monroe!

   Laughter is the Best,,,,,,,,, Way to get the judge to reduce your sentence..☺

   cleaned up friend list..if you see this I guess I missed one!

   Excuse me, I may drink a little more then I should tonight ~ Pitbull

   Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco one more sec

   Danica Patrick is on the pole. That has a nice ring to it....

   Okay Facebook lovers, you can shove your lovey-dovey cute couple pics down our throats all you want, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Gee what a goofy looking couple"

   If a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, what brings the girls?

   Just because you're talking, doesn't mean I'm listening.

   i think we should call comedians laughletes

   Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up everyday to impress you!

   Dad: son make your bed. Son: thats like tying my shoes after I take them off.

   I think less people would tempted to use an "Out of Order" Toilet... if the sign actually read... "Ain't Takin' NO Sh*t"!

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   I wonder how much pot was being consumed to phrase the expression raining cats and dogs.

   Look..shove the pics of your grandkids down our throats all you want, fb friends, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Man, that's a goofy looking kid."