Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove..."I'm a zebra."

   This valentines I'm getting my gf a dozen marijuana plants,better then roses right.!!

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."

   My son came home from school and told my wife he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? He says, "I play the part of the husband." My wife says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

   gee, the world these days. Sincerely, US Navy Sailor

   Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329

   I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.

   so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....

   so....my aunt doesn't want me using the word "fingerblast" in her husband's eulogy....what's next, I can't use "bloodfart" either?

   so....I just found a bottle of 5-Hour Energy in the gutter.....there was still 18 minutes of energy in it....just the boost I needed....

   I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.

   If I sold underwear, they'd be pre-streaked for those poor dudes who feel embarrassed because they don't know how to wipe properly. My slogan? "We've got this s*** covered."

   ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!".

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.

   Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.