Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, inappropriate thoughts pop into my head, then dive head first onto my keyboard without ever slowing down.

   Everytime I get gas I want to pull out an AR15 and take out a gas pump! ... There's your war on terror!!

   "Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   Say no to drugs and socks with sandals

   At your age we took spelling tests and not pregnancy tests.

   heading out early to siphon gas from my neighbors......

   new job...shoving pretzels up screaming m&m's asses..its a living

   Wow....turns out I'm NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.

   You do. And you know that you do. So Stop acting like you don't. Because you do.

   Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.

   I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?

   I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   "Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"