Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that.

   Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members. That's how dangerous they are.

   Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't.

   If I'm not in your "top stories" when you open Facebook, then your Facebook is broken! ~ Me, probably.

   When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.

   Just when I think I couldn't possibly be any lazier, I surprise myself.

   Does anybody else check their keyboard after somebody mispells something to see how close the letters were?

   I'm a kind and generous person, except for those days when, for no apparent reason, I hate pretty much everyone.

   If I ever get a Jury Summons, I figure I can just send them a link to my Facebook page to get out of it.

   I completed one push up without stopping. Normally I go half way then take a break

   Instead of birthday notifications imagine if Facebook sent PMS notifications, so you'll know when to leave a girl the heck alone.

   Don't hate the a$$hole, hate the chick that made him that way.

   Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet.....Sweeping is your job.

   Baskin Robbins called. They said, "Thanks to you, we're down to 5 flavors."

   You know you're really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.

   Enough with the procrastination,, it's time now for excuses.

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I'm gonna live forever!

   I got them moves like Jagger! (by which I mean I move like a 70 year old man)

   What happens if you choke to death on a Life Saver?