Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got my Do-si-dos. Sad thing is I'm about to eat the whole box, I'll be mad at myself later...........

   Girl Scout cookies are a lot like crack. Only instead of a creepy sweatsuit wearing thug taking the cash, it's a cute kid with freckles & braces.........

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   Your picture on Facebook (`▽´) .Your face in real life (‾(••)‾)

   Free Clinic my ass.....I just spent $1.75 on a pop from the vending machine.

   discovered pretending I'm sleeping to avoid something never gets old!

   stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!

   YOLO: You Obviously Love Oreos

   i just went to town. these new cars have gps, satellite radio & a thing in the seat to warm your butt....turn signal seems to be optional

   Why do the people with 2000+ friends acknowledge your birthday greeting to them, yet the ones with 62 friends never do?

   The C.D.C. says that more people die every year from Diarrhea than heart attacks??? That's NOT good news for me and my family because Diarrhea runs in my "genes",,,No really,, I've got Diarrhea in my "genes" right now

   Woke up this morning with green grass growing out of my head...Thanks Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia Omega 3

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   serial killers are a dime a dozen, if you want to really get noticed your gonna have to include a little canabalism

   I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture.

   I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I'd originally set out to find cheap gas, but I decided to keep my goals realistic

   We Found Love in a Swollen Face - Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

   A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.

   I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.