Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab