Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

   Saw the fattest Dalmation ever on my way home from the supermarket yesterday. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.

   If Clifford the Big Red Dog was a cat, we'd all be dead.

   If you don't make it in Hip Hop, there's always IHOP.

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

   DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

   Who else feels like prank calling the voter's fraud hotline?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

   No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales