Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snooki pregnant! I bet the pro choice movement is having their best week ever!

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   why dont you SHUT THE F°©< up and play catch with a bear trap

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.

   Teachers are a bad influence on our kids. For one thing, some of them are nearly 40 and still in the third grade.

   Time for naughty dreams! Hope to see a few of you there.

   Snooki plans to have a baby!.......... WHAT?? What did you say Kanye? "Beyonce's own was better!!!"

   The world is a stage. I failed the audition. Now I sit in the audience, and they call me a cynic.

   Sometimes I just want to tell someone "You should play catch with lawn darts."

   Snookie pregnant? Congrats to the NY Jets. In other news, the Mayans may be right ...

   Folger's lied... There is no "best part of waking up", no matter what you put in my cup!

   Snooki pregnant?! that baby is gonna come out with a vodka bottle in one hand and a self tanning spray bottle in the other! my advice : cut the cord and run lil dude! RUN!!

   Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer

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