Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leap year on a hump day? Oh, the innuendo possibilities are endless...

   todays to do list.. 1) buy a sword. 2) name it kindness. 3) kill people with kindness.

   I no longer wish to share this nation's roads and highways with others.. Sorry for your inconvenience.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   schools require children undress in front of people,..i'm thinking thats pretty much a registered sex offender definition

   I think I'm getting lazier, I just paid a homeless guy a buck to tie my shoe

   My high school coach was just gunned down in the street....I told him to 'walk it off'

   Being fat is a constitutional right..take that Mrs. President

   almost spring! that means its almost time to start making my famous caterpillar fur coats for ebay.

   Yesterday the weather was cold and miserable. Today it's sunny and hot. Global warming you've got to love it

   Some people think the world absolutely revolves around them. Not once have they asked how my day is going

   I have a plan that will give us oil for hundreds of more years. Unfortunately, it hinges on the Earth being shaped like a tube of toothpaste.

   -I hate when I press #1 for english and I get someone that I can barely understand their language..soo I hang up, call again and press #2 for spanish..

   I want a girlfriend born on 29 February. Think of all the money I will save on birthdays.

   i'd like to get a job at the phone company. they get to choose the phone numbers ppl get. if an ex comes in, give her a number with the last 4 digits spelling WIDE or UGLY & let her be stuck with that number

   Wow...I spend good money on a fencing class and all the while I was hammering nails this dude kept poking me with a sword... I so wanted to slap that bee mask right off his head...

   Subway: Where women make sandwiches for men without complaining.

   I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today. She said, "What household chore annoys you the most?" I said, "Having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."

   When a girl is in love, she offers sex. when a guy wants sex, he offers love.