Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They had a bunch of new cars in the mall today, I didnt buy it, but its was one hell of a test drive

   went to a storage war, kept sayin yuuuuuup, hope they take monopoly money

   usually I take asprin, but for a hangover...its ass-prin

   NASCAR, NBA All Star Game AND The Oscars...Thank G0D there's the Cartoon Network.

   I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.

   iPHONE(noun}: A device used for everything but calling people.

   Wow these ranch flavored mini rice cakes really taste like I could have saved $2.49 by just dipping those styrofoam packaging peanuts in ranch dressing.....

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.

   New FB Idea...a Middle finger button! Who's with me?...

   Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   having some beef tongue tacos. its like french kissing a cow... Yum!!

   woman, get in that kitchen and cook me a turkey pot pie!!

   So what does it mean if I open a fortune cookie and there is no fortune in it? your thoughts please.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   stomach making weird noises... must be making poop

   "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes..." - Jeffrey Dahmer's grocery list

   Something is definitely up at this police station, the cops are f$cking everywhere.

   If you guys ever visit NASA don't go on the Sally Ride.

   Does it still count as a hit and run if I hit a Ford Fiesta?