Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cakes 66p Upside down cakes 99p

   My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"

   Science Question: How do stars die? Drugs normally

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as excercise

   If there are 3 Apples on the Table and Jamal takes 2 Apples. What colour is Jamal?

   I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.

   On my laptop, sticky keys are always on.

   all about the status ..bite me...hows that? are ya gonna hand pick this one??

   I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone havin a bday tomorrow.. since they only get 1 bday every 4 years..

   Funny how some women will spend over a hundred dollars for products to clean their face, yet purchase the cheapest toilette paper to clean their A$$.

   I'm like God to this girl. I'm always watching her...... & she's never seen me. - Stalker

   Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, bi**ch!

   I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   Due to rising fuel costs- NASCAR has announced its switching from laps to lapdances!

   Laxatives are the best cough suppressant.

   Lazy Rule #227- I only buy Peanut Butter & Jelly when its swirled together cuz I aint got no time for all that two jar sh*t...

   The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.

   I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. I wouldn't have it any other way

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!