Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men and women are obviously different. Men have trouble expressing their needs. On the other hand, women will express their needs, every fricking need for every fricking minute for every fricking day!

   money is not the root of all evil. The LOVE OF MONEY is the root of all evil. Big difference.

   I guess that extra day of black history month was to much for some monkees

   Note to self- Sneezing with diarrhea,not good.......not good at all

   Heard Snooki's supposedly pregnant. Guess we'll know for sure when her vodka breaks.

   I am the world's foremost authority on my own opinions.

   Money is not the root of all evil. It is the root of all KINDS of evil.

   February was $5 footlong month and black history month. Who is the evil genius behind that?

   Proving other people wrong with your success is pretty selfish. Proving everyone else right by failing miserably shows you've got class

   Her: Changed Relationship status to Single.......Him:"LIKE".......Her: Keep dreaming buddy!!

   "It's been a long day!" ummm unless you live on another planet, our days have been the same for awhile now.

   You can always tell how healthy someone's diet is, by how TERRIBLE their farts smell

   been making the same mistakes for so long that I've taken to just calling them "my traditions!"

   Loves how my niece thinks "scratching my back" is a "game"

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   Happy Hump Day and Leap Day! A word of caution: try not to do both at once I dunno for sure but it may be dangerous. You could try humping then leaping or leaping then humping? Either way just be safe.

   I like to see one of my own occassional jokes ending up on the 1st page :)

   If it wasn't for twitter I wouldn't have any friends at all. Oh right, that's Facebook. Well, who are you guys?

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want one of the fembots from Austin powers..

   its midnight and theres a party next door. I dont know what to bring. I think I'll bring my lawnmower