Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I am faced with a challenge, I ask myself, “What would Phil Dunphy do?”

   gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   Jesus take the wheel.......from my grandma. That woman cannot drive!

   you know gas prices are high when they stop the NASCAR race & are waiting for the price to go down before they restart the race

   I can never take an email seriously if it is typed in Comic Sans.

   When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?

   My dogs are getting to smart they now bark shotgun when I take them for a car ride..

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   SCIENTISTS Have Revealed Today That They Have Found A New Drug For DEPRESSED LESBIANS...........It's Called " TRYDIXAGAIN " tee hee~

   New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.

   That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.

   Will you be my girlfriend? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   Ever feel like someones watching you? Yeah its me. Always check the Back Seat.ALWAYS.

   It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.

   I'm taking a First Aid training course with CPR this afternoon. Starting tomorrow you can address me as Doctor.

   My wife is like a tree She falls down after being hit repeatedly with an Axe.

   Son: Where did I come from daddy? Dad: Your Mother Son: Where did she come from? Dad: THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!

   What do you get when you toss a ball into a cage full of monkeys? NBA

   Nudists need to be exposed for what they are.