santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Great to be Catholic this month! We welcome a new Pope, plus we get three major religious holidays! Palm Sunday, Easter, and to kick it all off...the most important...St. Patrick's Day.

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   First you have to tell 'em Santa's not real. Then you have to tell 'em Nicki Minaj is real.. ..no wonder the kids are confused.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   Today's date officially marks the twelfth day of Christmas....So, except for the Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids-a-Milking and the Five Golden Rings...it's all going back to Wal Mart. Especially that squawking, annoying, Partridge in a Pear Tree.

   "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Santa Clause" use the exact same plot formula.

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Took out my Christmas tree to curb and dropped needles like a heroin addict in NY all over over floor. .

   Got a talking scale for Christmas. First thing it said was "one at a time, please..."

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”

   I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(

   My wife's mother was here for Xmas dinner. My youngest says to me, "Hey Dad! When are you gonna do that trick?!?" "I said, "Do what trick?" He goes, "You know. You said if granny comes for Christmas you'd climb the walls!"

   If you received a Christmas gift, but you didn't p ost a picture of it on your FB wall, did you really receive a gift?

   Ok, Christmas lights are up and ready for next year.

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!