Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Proving other people wrong with your success is pretty selfish. Proving everyone else right by failing miserably shows you've got class

   Her: Changed Relationship status to Single.......Him:"LIKE".......Her: Keep dreaming buddy!!

   "It's been a long day!" ummm unless you live on another planet, our days have been the same for awhile now.

   You can always tell how healthy someone's diet is, by how TERRIBLE their farts smell

   been making the same mistakes for so long that I've taken to just calling them "my traditions!"

   Loves how my niece thinks "scratching my back" is a "game"

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   Happy Hump Day and Leap Day! A word of caution: try not to do both at once I dunno for sure but it may be dangerous. You could try humping then leaping or leaping then humping? Either way just be safe.

   I like to see one of my own occassional jokes ending up on the 1st page :)

   If it wasn't for twitter I wouldn't have any friends at all. Oh right, that's Facebook. Well, who are you guys?

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want one of the fembots from Austin powers..

   its midnight and theres a party next door. I dont know what to bring. I think I'll bring my lawnmower

   that's it broom I won't stand for this no longer...i dont want you no more...i can stand on my own two feet....just go I know you will sweep some one else off their feet again:(

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want Data from Star Trek.

   Googled a ninja school.. When I clicked on a page it said "Site not found."

   today is hump day & leap day...this will be tricky

   I tripped over a bra last night, do you think it was a boobie trap?

   no more monkeying around for Davy Jones

   "Hey Referees.... REAL ORIGINAL!!! Idiots." - Zebras

   My brother diagnosed his wife with a terrible condition called Hoover Syndrome where she makes lots of whiney noises but no longer sucks