Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.

   Teachers are a bad influence on our kids. For one thing, some of them are nearly 40 and still in the third grade.

   Time for naughty dreams! Hope to see a few of you there.

   Snooki plans to have a baby!.......... WHAT?? What did you say Kanye? "Beyonce's own was better!!!"

   The world is a stage. I failed the audition. Now I sit in the audience, and they call me a cynic.

   Sometimes I just want to tell someone "You should play catch with lawn darts."

   Snookie pregnant? Congrats to the NY Jets. In other news, the Mayans may be right ...

   Folger's lied... There is no "best part of waking up", no matter what you put in my cup!

   Snooki pregnant?! that baby is gonna come out with a vodka bottle in one hand and a self tanning spray bottle in the other! my advice : cut the cord and run lil dude! RUN!!

   Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer

   ♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I'm linking to you… Log on. ♫ (

   I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

   Normal person flirting: "Hey, you're really cute".....Me:"Your face, I like that shxT!"

   I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.

   No Xvideos, I would not like to share this video with friends and family on Facebook.

   Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.