Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.

   The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account.

   The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'

   I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.

   About the sperm that won...I think there was race-fixing.

   Beer can with a british accent sounds like bacon with a jamaican accent

   I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I've got to say,, I'm pretty surprised that “yell for help” wasn't one of them.

   Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   I need a pity pity bang bang

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   Snooki pregnant! I bet the pro choice movement is having their best week ever!