Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings

   Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”

   i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again

   wtf? the side effects of my script includes all my symptoms, how am I gonna know if its working?

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection

   I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

   Putting sandbags around my toilet in preparation for tomorrow.

   I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

   Will all the mourners outside Whitney Houston's home please form a line......it's what she would have wanted.

   I'm convinced. Some peoples' brains are still on dial-up.

   Sometimes I like to take the bus instead of drive its because there aren't usually 9 hot mexicans in my car.

   "It's complicated" is Facebook for "he's not hittin' it right."

   that moment when you step into your car after work and unleash the thousands of farts you've been holding in all day