Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.

   Last night my dog said to me, "I think you're smoking too much Marijuana"

   I feel bad for those inner city kids that are too fat to dance their way out of the hood

   You ever get so coked up you dislocate both your shoulders dancing to "Pump Up the Jam"...Oh, me either.

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   New Kids On The Block & Backstreet Boys joining forces in refusing to be forgotten and languish in the dustbin of history.

   Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   Text REDCROSS to 90999 to help the tornado victims. (This is a status we all should put up today to help these poor people)

   I dont even know who this "Snookie" person is?

   I love it when I read a post and I think ive read the page but its just some idiot reposting a post from a few pages back.

   I think A.D.D. must have been called P.A.K. when I was young because the only thing I can remember teachers yelling was "Pay Attention Kid!"

   Can we stop all this about this Snookie. I doubt many of us give a baboon's bollok about it or her.

   ʎdɐɹǝɥʇ uoısɹǝʌuı ʎɯ ɯoɹɟ sʇɔǝɟɟǝ ǝpıs buıɹǝɟɟns ɯɐ ı ʞuıɥʇ ı

   Don't worry if you think you're crazy, even the tall oak trees were once nuts.

   Dummies talking about dummies being dummies. Try funny.

   The snookie and mayans thing is getting old now look at the previous jokes before doing a duplicate

   i guess its time to get another dishwasher.........there is just so much drama in dating now

   I spent most of my money on beer and women, the rest I just wasted.

   found the difference between being smart and wise: Smart is knowing what to say and wise is knowing whether or not to say it.