Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do I hate people who are in relationships so much?

   Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me

   It's amazing how dudes can take care of Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.

   I'm a big guy. I hate going shopping and the only I can find that fits is cologne.

   MILF...Man I Love Fries.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

   My "Baggage" flies on a broom and smells of brimstone...

   Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?

   finds that I tend to say “I don't know” when I'm too lazy to think.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much

   there such a thing as Mexican Boy Scout Cookies? Cause I think I just got ripped off by a couple of dudes in sombreros.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   If you have likes on all your pictures by the same person>>>>>>>you have a stalker

   Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'

   I've been trying to come up with an original joke about s luts, but they've all been done countless times.

   My wife was killed yesterday, I'll never forget her last words... 'Make your own sandwich!'

   I like my women like my cell-phone - plenty of service but always silent.

   Baby I'm no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight ;)

   You're like a snowflake: Beautiful, Unique and with one touch you'll be wet.