Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was abducted and anal probed by aliens. Their names were Jose and Ricardo. I'm going to the police.

   I just finished the last of the Girl Scout Thin Mints I've been hoarding. Child labor laws, schmabor laws. Those kids bake a damn good cookie.

   So you watch a 30 minute video and think you're an activist now??? Ha

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce because of their IQ level.

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed reproduce because of their IQ level.

   The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a Damn minute so I can Enjoy my Good High quality Imported Jeggermiester and Kill L33t Moronic Noob Opponents Playing Quick call of duty Rounds.

   I'm gon' do it, gon' do it Gon' do it, do it, do it

   resting his pimphand

   Meteorologists said that the sun's unusual solar flare activity would have no impact on us...yet I have experienced an unusually high number of erections today!......coincidence?...i think Not!!!!

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   нαρρу ωσмєиѕ ∂αу тσ υѕ gяσωи вєαυтιfυℓ ωσмєи!!! :D ♡

   Lol ......Prescription drugs are killing everybody not street drugs wake up people

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   The New ipad (3) These aren't the Droids your looking for..!

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   I dont get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from africa.

   Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!