Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   if you can just walk away like nothing happened then it never mattered to you in the first place  

   If you wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want, you are probably gay.

   Girl Gamers are the most misjudge characters ever. Guys sees them as Goddesses, industry sees them as Barbie-Wii Mario-Bros chicks, parents sees them as boys, girls sees em as Fatty Emos, when they just are girls with controllers trying to be badasses!

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want.

   In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty. In a relationship you're guilty until proven innocent.

   When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.

   You know you are in love with a guy when you think about having sex with him.

   My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.

   Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world. Work it out amongst yourselves.

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   Bad Timing: When the girl who had a crush on me for 2yrs, sneaks up behind me and gives me a hug right when I just farted! !

   And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year

   The Yankees reportedly traded AJ Burnett for 7 dirty used baseballs, a pack of big league chew, half eaten pack of sun flower seeds and Prince Fielders jock strap, the yankees made out like bandits.

   Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn't mean you look buff with your shirt off..

   Fun Fact: Curly fries are made from Mr. Potato Head's pubes.

   I love a hot chick in a football jersey. Or a regular shirt. Or a dress. Or naked. Whatever