Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much

   there such a thing as Mexican Boy Scout Cookies? Cause I think I just got ripped off by a couple of dudes in sombreros.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   If you have likes on all your pictures by the same person>>>>>>>you have a stalker

   Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'

   I've been trying to come up with an original joke about s luts, but they've all been done countless times.

   My wife was killed yesterday, I'll never forget her last words... 'Make your own sandwich!'

   I like my women like my cell-phone - plenty of service but always silent.

   Baby I'm no weather man but you can expect a few inches tonight ;)

   You're like a snowflake: Beautiful, Unique and with one touch you'll be wet.

   ‎~ Why second-guess - what feels so right - Just trust your heart ♥

   How dare you POKE me and not stick around to cuddle... Does this mean we're allowed to POKE around?

   Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

   Every time I stir a hot beverage in one direction, I cry. But when I stir it the other way, I start laughing. I think I'm suffering from Mixed Tea Motions.

   I just watched some of the highlights from this years Oscars and I am bit baffled as to why the winners receive an action figure of C-3PO from Star Wars?

   Closed due to hangover. But don't worry, I have a note from my bartender.

   MEN: New sexual position: WILD BULL; Put your lady on all 4's, put your chest on her back....a couple minutes into having sex, whisper another woman's name in her ear and then try to stay on for 8 seconds ... Good Luck

   Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise WE CANNOT EAT MONEY.. look at whats happening with Belo Monte dam in Brazil

   Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.