Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   An error occurred while not trying to add your sorry a$$ to my database. Please try again later.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year

   This delicious brownie just accepted my friend request!

   it just co-incidence that they chose the most one dimensional movie of the "Star Wars" franchise "The Phantom Menace" to make into the first 3D movie ?

   And the Dalai Lama says to me, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me,... WHICH IS NICE !!

   the earlier you start doing anything in your life, the less it affects you as you grow older...

   conficious says it takes many nails to build a crib but only 1 SCREW to fill it

   disney has women looking for their handsome prince. dreamworks is more accurate with the ugly ogre

   Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   I can never plug in a usb correctly the first time, I have to flip it like 17 times before it finally goes in.

   GOP budget to slash disease research? Now we'll NEVER find a cure for Bieber Fever!

   I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool trying to get lucky... but there wasn't gum under any of them."

   Some DJ keeps calling my phone and leaving me mixed messages.

   If I died and went to Hell, it would take me at least a week to figure out I wasn't at work anymore.

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold. But they also say revenge is sweet. I think they are trying to say revenge is ice cream.

   I don't wanna be presumptuous, but I think this Sandra Fluke chick just might be the love of my weekend. Now, if she'd only return my phone calls...