Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls

   "my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..

   i was gonna give you a raise, but you clicked your tongue ring against your teeth one too many times...we get it, your tongue is pierced, stop playing with it..we're not having sex, so I dont care

   does anyone really think stretching your earholes is sexy? whats next? lip plates?

   imagine the nurses surprise changin a old lady diaper an her tat says 'juicy'

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy

   hate when people say "i can't complain"..really? because all you do is complain

   decaffienated redbull, theyre calling it sitting bull

   What's black, 'will always love you,' and has white on the nose? ... a Border Collie.

   old age homes are gonna be filled with saggy tramp stamps at diaper changin time....mmm sexxxy

   you will never convince me a dude with 2 hoop earrings doesnt look gayeeee

   In need of a b-pong partner... If you're not super cute, then you better be the nuts at pong.

   if we spelled things by sounding them out like we should...i wood werk in the sitty

   rearranging my bird's perches jus to watch him fall..

   just watched Whitney Houston's funeral on DVR... is it just me, or did her performance seem a bit stiff?

   my father called me an asswipe, I said the wipe didnt fall far from the ass

   I wonder what it feels like to spend an entire Saturday trying to come up with something funny to post here and getting no love at all... Not that I spent all day thinking this up or anything...

   the m0ment when someone shaves a beard and you had no idea they were THAT ugly