Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   Women cheat on men more often when they're ovulating. Men cheat on women more often when they're drunkulating.

   I have a memory foam mattress... I really hope it doesn't remember everything.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished..

   I argue with myself sometimes. Just for the make-up sex.

   I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat.

   Decided to clean the kitchen this morning, started with the last of the rum cake. Cleaned that right up. Decided that was enough cleaning for today..

   Welcome to ticketmaster. Please enter the 2 completely illegible words to search for tickets. If you can't read the words, click here for two more completely illegible words.

   if you dont remember ever when MTV actually had music vidoes, then you not a true 90's kid

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   An error occurred while not trying to add your sorry a$$ to my database. Please try again later.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year

   This delicious brownie just accepted my friend request!

   it just co-incidence that they chose the most one dimensional movie of the "Star Wars" franchise "The Phantom Menace" to make into the first 3D movie ?

   And the Dalai Lama says to me, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me,... WHICH IS NICE !!