Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only trip I can afford is 'shrooms.

   I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.

   I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!

   I would TGIF, but he scheduled me to work Saturday ...

   My dog was howling, so I mooned her.

   You may not be familiar with the lesser known dwarf, Stabby. He was away, doing 25 to life.

   If your girlfriend sees you blow drying pen*s and asks “what are you doing???” Never!!! Never ever tell her - "heating your dinner honey!!!"

   It's funny how once you dislike the personality/actions of one of your co-workers, EVERYTHING They do gets on your nerves/offends you . “Look at this dummy, eating those crackers & drinking coffee like she owns the place! Uggghh"

   What's with everybody jumping on this KONY 2012 bandwagon? You know what...I'll care about Africa's problems when there aren't any starving kids in AMERICA. When citizens in my own country aren't homeless, hungry, or unemployed.

   I've just come up with a status so hilarious that reading it will make you laugh so hard that you'll crack a rib, which will then puncture your lungs and then you'll die. I just can't risk it. I'm sorry, but you'll have to make do with this one instead.

   "Yes. It's true, I train children to become soilders. But what uganda do about it?" - Kony. Probably.

   I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit

   I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!

   I sent out a text message saying "hey I lost my phone can you call it?" 7 people called...damn it I need some smarter friends!

   Karma is like a rubber-band...it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms

   People always wonder why it is that a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your breath.

   GIRL: “Have you ever done anything sexual before?” GUY: “Well, one time I came out of a v@gina naked”

   When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.

   Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.