Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If being asleep is becoming the favorite part of your day it might be time to make some changes in your life!

   Nothing like finding your credit card in your 3 year olds play wallet, like mother, like daughter... Just shoot me now!!.

   Vending machines are so homophobic. Sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you...

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Hey, Fire can you finish cooking the food before the house?" FIRE: "The one in the Pantry or on the Stove?"

   ordered new smart phone tonight. my old phone has been with me for about 6 years. it was a good phone but its time to put him out to pasture...i will miss you lg env. you were my best phone ever... Goodbye Lttle Buddy!!.

   TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.

   You can stand a broom up any time year round. You just balance it on the bristles. Oh, wait, sorry.... I've been standing brooms up on their own for ages. I must be some sort of broom-standing God. All bow down. Sacrifice your vacuum cleaners.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Okay. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec." MURDERER: "K."

   Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you're talking to someone better.

   I sent a text message pouring my damn heart out, and all you reply back with is "K"... B$tch you was better off not replying.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the as$.

   Snooki is pregnant with a due date on December 21st?...Touche Mayans...Touche

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

   Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!

   Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."

   Pepperidge Farms bread is fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. So when you open it, it's still not open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need that extra step between me and toast!

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   what do you call wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa! :-)

   What are the three most important items on a wood stove?? ........"Lifter, Legs and Poker"