Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since when do Catholics care about contraception? Alter boys can't get pregnant..

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book....

   How to be a bouncer: 1.) Be an @sshole. 2.) Stand near a door.

   Just found out the girlfriend is pregnant, so I decided to propose. "Will you make me the happiest man on earth, or will you keep the baby?"

   What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the toilet

   To girls suffering from a case of too many friend requests: Here is a free tip - Put some clothes on and post your real pictures without photoshop or makeup. Problem solved!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   A woman's fanny is like a shed roof. If you don't nail it hard enough, it will end up next door.

   When my wife said she was leaving me yesterday because she insists I'm gay, I had to fight back tears. I'd only just applied my mascara.

   The wife's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.

   if sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is called a twosome then you should understand why they call me handsome

   Can't shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn't helping

   Online jokes have really suffered in this ecomedy. (exhibit A)

   Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...

   Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go...

   What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of four.

   I think all these Jokes about Kony are like his army... Childish.

   Stealing African children from their beds, mutilating their appearance against there will..... Madonna

   Kony put infant into infantry

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!