Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   A woman's fanny is like a shed roof. If you don't nail it hard enough, it will end up next door.

   When my wife said she was leaving me yesterday because she insists I'm gay, I had to fight back tears. I'd only just applied my mascara.

   The wife's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.

   if sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is called a twosome then you should understand why they call me handsome

   Can't shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn't helping

   Online jokes have really suffered in this ecomedy. (exhibit A)

   Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...

   Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go...

   What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of four.

   I think all these Jokes about Kony are like his army... Childish.

   Stealing African children from their beds, mutilating their appearance against there will..... Madonna

   Kony put infant into infantry

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!

   What do you call that useless skin around the v*gina? A woman.

   I like my women like I like my toaster, with two big warm holes and doesn't leave the kitchen !!

   What does a woman's arse and mouth have in common? Both are fun to put a c*ck in but nothing but sh*t comes out of them both

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet

   Sometimes when I have my friends over I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party!