Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife wanted to talk to me about my constant immaturity, but she couldn't. She still doesn't know the password to my secret fort.

   My wife said earlier "Your p*nis reminds me of my old super soaker water gun."I said "Why, because its big, powerful and your favourite toy?""No" she replied."Because 6 or 7 pumps and it's all done."

   thinking...as the solar storm hits Earth, let's all sing a chorus of "Baby, It's Geomagnetically Charged Outside"

   i feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did *forever a virgin*

   I feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did.*forever a vin *

   If you want to get in to a womens pants, get into her mind.....that's what she uses to figure out if you're getting into her pants or not.

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?

   ‎2 + 2 = Fish. 3 + 3 = Eight. 7 + 7 = Triangle. LIKE if you get it!!!!

   My wife and I are into S&M...... She sleeps, I masturbate.

   Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time. Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included.

   Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

   A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

   My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: "May divorce be with you."

   $9.99 sounds fair enough coz $10 is an outrageous amount of money.

   Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.

   If you postin' 'bout Kony I feel bad for you son, He snatched 99 kids and your status saved none.

   Instead of sending me this annoying 21 Questions App invite, why dont you just inbox me your 21 questions and I will answer right away?

   If absence really makes the heart grow fonder, then the boss is going to *love* my new 2-day work weeks.