Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five months.

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.

   my dog is going off the rails on a gravy train...

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.

   there a law that says your socks have to match?

   My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.

   At the airport heading off to spring break. TSA hassling me about my suitcase full of wet t-shirts.

   I said to a fat girl today, "You're a big girl!" She replied, "Tell me something I don't know." I said, "Salad tastes good."

   just purchased a very effective piece of weight loss equipment...its called a hula hoop

   Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   Do you know what I think is alarming?.... Clocks.

   They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?