Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If absence really makes the heart grow fonder, then the boss is going to *love* my new 2-day work weeks.

   No matter how cool you think you are... you still came out of a vajay so step off.

   Playing the villain is so much more fun than kissing ass.

   I consider anyone who doesn't like bacon a terrorist.

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   I've found the ultimate troll. Not only did he steal my status, but he corrected my punctuation.

   If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”

   I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown

   Whenever I see fire truck rushing somewhere in the rain, I'm confused as to how the sky didn't already do the job.

   For me, the sexiest part of a woman is her mind coz that's where she decides if she's going to have sex with you or not.

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it'd be about a guy who refills vodka bottles and puts them back on the self.

   Ladies: If your guy gives you his jacket when you are cold, he expects you to give him sex when he's horny.

   Sexual pleasure (When done right) is a passion to which all others are subordinate, but in which they all unite.

   You know society is screwed up when a 10-year-old girl worries more about her weight than where her friends are hiding.

   if Foreigners would learn how to support themselves, America wouldn't be in debt all the time

   A drunk person is just an awesome version of a sober person.

   if Americans took all that energy they spend insulting bieber and snooki and diverted it to the gym am sure you would be much happier and skinny

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Wearing a bra with tinny boobs is like carrying a wallet with no cash.