Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering what you would do for a klondike bar?

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   politicians need those burn-proof suits like NASCAR drivers wear....liar liar pants are on fire

   I find it very ironic that I have to get out of bed on Humpday.

   Ur not a gangster just cuz you spent money gettin sleeved up at the shop homeboy... And neither am I!!!!

   who was the idiot to make umbrellas have metal handles? ..."lets hold this over our heads to keep rain off us & keep us dry but lets put a metal handle on it so we hold metal when we have to keep rain off us during storms"

   A Christian asked me what it's like to be an Athiest. I asked him if he beileved in Islam. He said "no", I said "like that.." :)

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   Shot my first Turkey today! Scared the sh*t out of everyone in the frozen food section.....It was awesome

   My least favorite method of birth control is probably the beaver dam.

   I just watched an episode of the Big Bang Theory everyone is talking about. They should call it I Have No Idea What To Do With A Blonde.

   Volvos are one of the safest vehicles on the road. Thats why I got my wife a Ford Explorer.

   Its funny how when I feel my phone vibrate I'll get up to read the text but when my alarm clock goes off in the morning I push snooze like 12 times.

   Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.

   I'm guessing the opposite of Christopher Reeves is Christopher Walken

   Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.

   I'm so gangsta that you change the channels with the remote sideways!

   You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!

   B.I.B.L.E = BASIC INSTUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING EARTH!

   am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you