Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

   It took me 10 miles of driving and almost running a grandma off the road before I figured out how to change the clock in the car with 1 hand today. I felt victorious and did a fist pump.

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   Remember when you'd be driving along and see a smashed cassette tape by the side of the road with the tape stretched out forever, flying on the breeze of every passing car? I miss those days.

   Yo guys. Ever see a really good looking pregnant woman, and think of how good the sex must have been?

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   I went to a library & asked for a book about small pen!ses. The library said "I'm not sure if it's in yet" "Yup, that's the one" I replied

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.

   Roses are gray, Violets are gray, Crap. I'm a dog

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five months.

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.

   my dog is going off the rails on a gravy train...

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.