Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   time to diet, my belly button went from looking surprised to a full blown grimace

   My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.

   We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer!

   Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   beware the ides of march...

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   What is it with lesbians? If they hate men so much, why do they dress like them? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.

   We really owe it to our friends to tell them when their baby is ugly.

   Listening to whale sounds while my girlfriend takes a bath.

   Once I stole a game of Risk at Toys “R” Us. But that's me, I'm a risk taker.

   I saw Stevie Wonder in concert last year but I don't think he saw me.

   “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

   My pen!s ejects bronzer if any of you ladies need a spray tan

   can't figure out if that kid on American Idol is Milli or Vanilli?

   Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling "Hey Sl@t" and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless

   there's so much sexual tension in my apartment right now... I'm so tired of living alone.

   In our "family" NCAA Final Four Challenge, my 9 year old has won the last 2 years. Is it wrong that I just copied her bracket right after she went to bed?

   Don't you hate it when you call someone for ransom and they are rude and hang up on you? Dude, you just made me waste this quarter on this pay phone.

   Whenever my EX shows up in my Facebook feed, I think "I am so glad you're the one that got away."