Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)> }¡{ Dammiit Dude quit chasing that butterfly & get back over here

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   Help! I'm an heiress trapped in the life of a peasant.

   Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   Boogity Boogity Boogity... Lets go racing boys!!!!

   No Gramma, It's not the Oompah Loompah show, it's Jersey Shore.

   I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it

   I sure hope Flavor Flav remembered to set his clocks forward!

   Why do fat people say they have to start eating right? They've obviously mastered the art of chewing and swallowing.

   The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.

   What do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort?!?

   Paper cut: A tree's one glorious moment of revenge.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.