Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   [first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people

   Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

   Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

   My behavior during the Pandemic should earn me the Nobel Peace Prize

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.

   Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."

   We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?