Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   I wasnt that drunk man. Dude you asked a bum if you could bum a cig.

   Why can't Danzig have a normal lunch box like every other kid?

   Ive been to the good side. The cookies were stale.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”

   What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking

   since mens undershirts are called wife beaters, women should call their brasseirs nut crackers

   sometimes...the nut doesnt fall far from the sack

   Facebook is a major city, Twitter is a vacation spot, and My space is a ghost town.

   Guys note: When a woman offers to help you paint your bedroom ceiling, she means butterflies and flowers using Dutch Boy and a brush.

   Oh, you wear a NORTHFACE Jacket ? You must go on sooo many adventures......

   what's black and white and red all over? A newspaper for people who can't spell well!

   asked by an employee for a raise...so I gave him a baby-booster seat

   called work and called in sick. I was told I cannot as I have taken all my entitled sick leave. I said "No...I meant I'm calling in as sick from work"

   Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me

   Some people in your life are there to serve a certain purpose, well this is your notice your services are no longer needed.

   Why do the people with the worst breath want to hit you with every "H" word in the dictionary?

   When my sons says, "I`ve cleaned my room," that usually means "I`ve made a path from the door to my bed."

   Laughter is the best medicine... except for treating diarrhea...

   Wanna see if your girl has a real sense of humor? Tell her the ginormous zit under her nose makes her look like Marylyn Monroe!