Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   Do you know what I think is alarming?.... Clocks.

   They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?

   People just dont get practical jokes any more, prank calls, super glue on the toilet, the electic toaster in the bath... Sigh

   i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school

   When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. - Andy Rooney

   Virginity can be cured.

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chair!!!

   When people tell you things "as your friend", that means they hate you and want to destroy you.

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.

   I can tell when someone is lying just by the simple fact that they begin asking a question by saying "Quick question".

   You'll never meet anyone who's quietly in training for a charity run

   With Daylight Savings in effect but on a leap year, isn't this only Sunday? #ThingsMyCoffeeMakerTalksToMeAbout

   may reflect economic consequences in relation to constraints placed upon us..! (",)