Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

   Tip: you can save a step in the morning by putting mouthwash on your cereal instead of milk.

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   I just checked. There are no restraining orders against you. There's no reason you can't attend church!!!!

   If you're a polygamist married to several women and dont have a wedding ring that says, "One ring to rule them all." You're just wasting everybody's time.

   farting in a plastic bag and selling it to kids

   Well, Jimmy Crack corn..... and you guessed it.

   Trying to find my happy place again... but.... I may not find it, 'cause guys don't ask for directions.

   Beware of women who have had enough BS and no longer care about the consequences of their actions!

   The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They've both been replaced.... By camera phones and bathrooms.

   Fun fact: If you say 'Bloody Maury' into the mirror three times, you WILL be the father

   Petrol prices are about $2 a litre and Ladies still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"...

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.