Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From the moment I opened my eyes I"ve thought of you. Just thinking of the moment I can hold you in my arms. Pull you next to me and press my lips to you. You warm my heart and calm me down. You make me smile and complete my life. Oh morning coffee, "i LO

   went to an all you can eat restaraunt...I've been here 12 hrs...fixin to start breakfast all over again

   Please give my compliments to the Chef......Boyardee

   My boss at the construction site said if I wear my forever lazy suit one more time I'm fired

   got some pajama jeans..my wife said they make my ass look big.

   They had a bunch of new cars in the mall today, I didnt buy it, but its was one hell of a test drive

   went to a storage war, kept sayin yuuuuuup, hope they take monopoly money

   usually I take asprin, but for a hangover...its ass-prin

   NASCAR, NBA All Star Game AND The Oscars...Thank G0D there's the Cartoon Network.

   I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.

   iPHONE(noun}: A device used for everything but calling people.

   Wow these ranch flavored mini rice cakes really taste like I could have saved $2.49 by just dipping those styrofoam packaging peanuts in ranch dressing.....

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.

   New FB Idea...a Middle finger button! Who's with me?...

   Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   having some beef tongue tacos. its like french kissing a cow... Yum!!

   woman, get in that kitchen and cook me a turkey pot pie!!

   So what does it mean if I open a fortune cookie and there is no fortune in it? your thoughts please.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.