Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.

   SAVE ELECTRICITY; You wouldn't like someone to turn you on & then just leave

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   when vehicles start running on water, the world would be at Peace...

   In the future, when it is discovered that what doesn't kill you DOESN'T actually make you stronger, I want to be the first to inject Kelly Clarkson with copious amounts of cobra venom. Let's be real, Miss Independent.

   I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.

   I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

   Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   Abilify commercials depress me. Is there a version of this pill I can take just to get through their ads?

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”

   70% of my enemies were once my friends.

   Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit?

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.