Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.

   People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.

   Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.

   There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.

   You can pretend you're in an episode of The Walking Dead by skipping coffee for a few days.

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help

   Shut up sl$t, my showers last longer than your relationships.

   Accidentally sprayed cologne in me eye. As long as my eye smells good..

   Alcoholics are Gods rodeo clowns.

   Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror

   There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

   Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!

   ..... For some people madness isn't only confined to March!!!

   was worried about the tornado warning...then I looked around the house and realized it had already touched down.

   Every time an angel has a menstrual cycle a maxipad gets its wings

   "You`re fat." "It runs in my family!" "Dude, no one runs in your family."

   Things we are thankful for: #1: friends and family #2: caller I.D so we can avoid our friends and family.