Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   My update for the week. See you next week.

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."

   Marijuana IS a gateway drug.. It leads to sweatpants and Cheetos.

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Did Obama really sign a bill in secret making free speech illegal during protests???? So the first amendment is almost gone. Liberty is truly dying by the months.

   I am dreaming to became rich...just like my father..."is your father rich?" ...no! he is dreaming too

   Woman! Can't live with them, can't live with them.

   Women are not complicated... They just want love... and chocolate... and shoes... and some other stuff

   If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.

   shoppin for a muggie, its like a snuggie except it has a ski mask sewn on top

   Its not cheating if I wasn't feeling like myself that night right?

   men only get their great ideas in bed because their plugged into a genius!

   If she's not flexible, she's not textible.

   B0ners are just d!cks that stand up for what they believe in.

   I think that kid has got too big and fat for the show to be called 'Two and a Half Men' anymore.

   LOOK AT THIS GUY FLASHING HIS GANG SIGNS AT ME! Grandma please! He is deaf!

   Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.

   Justin:mom one day I'm going to the moon . Mom: too late justin nasa stopped sending monkeys long time ago.jg