Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war.

   I bet pyromaniacs were jonesing pretty bad before that first caveman figured out how to make fire.

   Drop and iphone on the floor: break the screen. Drop an old Nokia on the floor: break the floor

   I didnt take care of something this morning...now its prarie dog season!

   I proposed to myself at a restaurant last night and not a single person clapped... heartless b@stards!

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

   Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.

   Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine.

   Teeth are always in style!

   you know....I like my men like my Rum: Gone in the morning....

   Just saw an ad on my homepage that read, "Like Writing About Beards? Search For Careers Now!" - because if there's one thing we're really lacking right now, it's freelance beard writers.

   Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence

   if I want to commit suicide , all I would do is jump from your 'EGO' to your ' IQ Level'.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies is the reason why I have trust issues

   Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out

   Condoms are cheaper than diapers, remember that:)

   You're fat because you have a slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.