Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went to the track today..I never knew only mexicans can sweep up losing tickets...hmmmmm

   cant decide whether midgets look at St Patricks day as a "payday" or a "dammit! I have to hide in my little house" kinda day.

   After all the upsets today. Cathy from the mailroom is gonna win a $hitload of money off her "Bracket thingy" this year..

   Think maybe its time to diet, I just had to cut my hula hoop off

   The best thing about Facebook is that someone can disappear as quickly as they appeared!

   used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.

   doc says i'm low on iron. yet, i'm feeling tired beyond my wildest dream... kind of ironic, no?

   it's officially ok to fkk in the car cause it's March Madness, it's a holiday

   anyone else think Lucky Charms is just Cheerios with marshmallows?

   facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered 'hot'

   ahhh..st. patricks day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!

   spring is just around the corner, the bums are migrating back up north.

   you know you're getting old when you're nuts are now referred to as "yams"

   Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

   Hmmm...THAT wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind when I'd imagined George Clooney in handcuffs! (LOL!) ♥

   The legend goes that St. Danica Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.....must be hard to put all the tiny seat belts on all the snakes.

   I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.

   Mosquitoes are just vampire flies.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.

   I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...