Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time an angel has a menstrual cycle a maxipad gets its wings

   "You`re fat." "It runs in my family!" "Dude, no one runs in your family."

   Things we are thankful for: #1: friends and family #2: caller I.D so we can avoid our friends and family.

   Don`t you wish you could just Google anything? Like; "where`s the remote?" Google: "under the couch"

   An ex should stay an EX. They`re an EXample of the wrong love & an EXplanation for why you deserve better!

   girls were probably first put on a pedestal so guys could see up their skirts

   My child has the flu and wants a hug. No dice, kid.

   gets annoyed now when I have to tell a story...duh, I know you saw my status about it already.

   I feel like a grownup when I take out the trash instead of smooshing it down.

   would much rather check my facebook than face my checkbook

   Glad to see Walmart is holding it's March Madness sale...too bad it's on teeth & everyone is down to their final four.

   Glad to know that Google & Bing are the surrogate parents of this generation & can answer all the uncomfortable questions

   Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.

   Found someone's soft contact lens in my car. Let me know if you lost one. It might also be a raisin.

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating my mutt for hours and she still won't tell me who's a good girl..

   Dude don't tell me what's off limits!,It's not like I got your sister pregnant!!

   23% of households today have a "new" roll of toilette paper sitting on the empty roll.

   I'm going to get "Poor Decision Maker" tattooed on my face.

   I wish I had a Strategic Beer Reserve to tap into.