Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday the weather was cold and miserable. Today it's sunny and hot. Global warming you've got to love it

   Some people think the world absolutely revolves around them. Not once have they asked how my day is going

   I have a plan that will give us oil for hundreds of more years. Unfortunately, it hinges on the Earth being shaped like a tube of toothpaste.

   -I hate when I press #1 for english and I get someone that I can barely understand their language..soo I hang up, call again and press #2 for spanish..

   I want a girlfriend born on 29 February. Think of all the money I will save on birthdays.

   i'd like to get a job at the phone company. they get to choose the phone numbers ppl get. if an ex comes in, give her a number with the last 4 digits spelling WIDE or UGLY & let her be stuck with that number

   Wow...I spend good money on a fencing class and all the while I was hammering nails this dude kept poking me with a sword... I so wanted to slap that bee mask right off his head...

   Subway: Where women make sandwiches for men without complaining.

   I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today. She said, "What household chore annoys you the most?" I said, "Having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."

   When a girl is in love, she offers sex. when a guy wants sex, he offers love.

   Why did they introduce women into the police force? To keep the streets clean

   I'm having a problem with sexual harassment at work. There isn't any.

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out

   Her: "Ugh! Let me tell you about m......" Me: "Is my zipper down?" Her: ".....no..." Me: "Then why is your mouth open?

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   If I go on a cruise, I'm sleeping in the lifeboat area

   People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved ;)

   Breakfast with Obama: $38,000. 4 Years Of Political Favors: Priceless.

   Say a prayer for Sparky, I just ate Taco Bell.

   there's always......."truth" behind "JK"... Emotion behind "I DONT CARE"... Pain behind "IT'S OK" & "I need you" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE"......