Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   Now I have to buy a new jersey for my nativity baby Jesus

   When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence

   Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.

   Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.