Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man arrested after calling 911 three times to request a hooker. In his defense, the term "police escort" is kind of vague.

   Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

   I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

   Tithing - Money is the root to all evil ... enough said.

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   My update for the week. See you next week.

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."

   Marijuana IS a gateway drug.. It leads to sweatpants and Cheetos.

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Did Obama really sign a bill in secret making free speech illegal during protests???? So the first amendment is almost gone. Liberty is truly dying by the months.

   I am dreaming to became rich...just like my father..."is your father rich?" ...no! he is dreaming too

   Woman! Can't live with them, can't live with them.

   Women are not complicated... They just want love... and chocolate... and shoes... and some other stuff

   If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.

   shoppin for a muggie, its like a snuggie except it has a ski mask sewn on top

   Its not cheating if I wasn't feeling like myself that night right?

   men only get their great ideas in bed because their plugged into a genius!

   If she's not flexible, she's not textible.

   B0ners are just d!cks that stand up for what they believe in.