Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.

   Nobody ever wants to give BiPolar people credit for being really great half the time.

   Alec Baldwin's narration voice is a symphony of creepy. He makes a floating glacier sound like a pedophile drifting into a playground.

   How is it when you're in kindergarten you don't want to take a nap, but in all the schools above elementary you would kill for one?

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   You guys are tearing up Tebow more than his Priest!

   A blind man at a nudist colony is having more fun than me right now.

   Im gonna get a bloodhound just so I know when to stay away from home once a month.

   Michael Bay is changing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into aliens?! Doesnt that make them Teenage Alien Intergalactic Ninja Turtles, then? (TAINT)