Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.

   Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

   R.I.P. the Best Guitarist that ever lived... Randy Rhoads

   For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.

   If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?

   still waiting for the "cabbage explosion".

   Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".

   I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?

   in this day and age, slow and steady dont win anything...nitrous induced breakneck speed and partial mental instability wins the race...

   Tiger Woods fired his caddie today. I guess he'll have to wash his own balls and polish his own putter now.

   The Dough boy died of a yeast infection. He's survived by his wife Jayne & daughter, Dill Dough. Services to be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

   A good rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days...