Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I about to start deleting and blocking a whole lot of people who lied about being interesting.

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   Say no to the FRIEND ZONE!

   True Fact: The Shamrock Shake at McDonald's taste like leprechaun vomit, and it makes your turd green..........

   Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

   A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

   You can prevent yourself from crying in any other situation by not being such a little b!tch.

   All I ask is that you wait until after St. Patrick's Day if you happen to be planning my intervention.

   George Clooney could have any woman he wanted. Yet he's out fighting for peace in a third world country... What a moron

   That annoying moment when you can't find the long side of the blanket.

   "You've changed" No actually I think the proper term is, "I've stopped trying to please you."

   I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.

   Beer is made from hops and barley. Hops and barley are whole grains. Therefore Beer is healthy. You're welcome

   I throw my spanish in the air sometimes sayin ayo, no comprendo

   American kid "You're from the UK? Ohhh cool, So do you have tea with the Queen?". British kid: "Do you like, go to Mcdonald's with Obama?"

   I think "tax cheat" is too harsh of a term....I like to think of myself as "Tax mathematically challenged"

   your a midget and you do not wear a green outfit and a matching top hat......your just no fun

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   I'm Irish. I don't like anything I can't drink, f#ck, or punch.