Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity. 

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   Why should I bother staying informed about political issues when nobody running for office does?

   FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.

   my memory is less like nerves connecting synapses and more like a dry erase board...

   RIP Andrew Breitbart..... Ccaine overdose or heart attack hours before releasing Obama college partying video tapes.....yea right! BS

   Sorry! i'm not desperate because i'm single. I'm single, because i'm not desperate.

   Do the 60+ woman at the post office with the kabuki mask makeup wearing the black halter top with Baby in rhinestones...... Oh whatever just work it grandma your awesome.

   REMEMBER: no matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster. -.-

   TWILIGHT: Taking the 'N' out of "Vampire Fangs", since 2007!

   Been an ugly woman is like being a man you gonna have to work!!!

   the ring of a home phone is becoming the whistle of a steam train+

   Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls.

   Snooki's due date is December 21st, 2012. Well played, Mayans...well played.

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.

   The next time someone tells me they feel like a million bucks I'm going to try to deposit them into my checking account.

   The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'

   I don't think it's by accident that the ceilings in trailer homes aren't high enough to hang yourself from.

   About the sperm that won...I think there was race-fixing.