Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.

   I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

   “I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.

   When 50 cent got hungry... 58

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I hope my retirement home has a jam room and decent studio

   Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.

   All these people on my list, and not none of ya talking to me... This is kinda awkward. I feel weird now..

   Maybe 2020 will be like a mullet, all business in the front and we party on the back half of it...

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   The Seattle Supersonics are offensive to snails and turtles. 😛

   The Chicago Bears are changing their name because it offends people who own a pic-a-nic basket and have a friend named Boo Boo.