Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to ticketmaster. Please enter the 2 completely illegible words to search for tickets. If you can't read the words, click here for two more completely illegible words.

   if you dont remember ever when MTV actually had music vidoes, then you not a true 90's kid

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   An error occurred while not trying to add your sorry a$$ to my database. Please try again later.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year

   This delicious brownie just accepted my friend request!

   it just co-incidence that they chose the most one dimensional movie of the "Star Wars" franchise "The Phantom Menace" to make into the first 3D movie ?

   And the Dalai Lama says to me, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me,... WHICH IS NICE !!

   the earlier you start doing anything in your life, the less it affects you as you grow older...

   conficious says it takes many nails to build a crib but only 1 SCREW to fill it

   disney has women looking for their handsome prince. dreamworks is more accurate with the ugly ogre

   Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   I can never plug in a usb correctly the first time, I have to flip it like 17 times before it finally goes in.

   GOP budget to slash disease research? Now we'll NEVER find a cure for Bieber Fever!