Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day.

   chutes and ladders prepared me for lifes disappointments. They should have called it..Your jobs gonna suck

   Oprah named her channel OWN cuz she wants to own people like slaves

   Everytime I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside

   Anyone know aspertame was made first as a ant poison? really..google it

   I stEverytime a kid shows me a picture or play dough sculpture, I have to do a better one. Not so proud now, are ya?

   That little heart attack you get when your dog barely touches your foot and you picture a 2 lb spider before you actually look

   Im in the jehovah witness protection program

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   Would LOVEE a donut right now, and I'm not a cop.......?

   The difference between men and women? women dont draw √aginas on each others foreheads after a night of drinking

   Wishes there were Piggly Wigglys in my state just so I could keep saying piggly wiggly

   Putting a garden in your backyard to hide the spot where grass wont grow may not be the best idea ever

   caterpillars, all kids first pet. At least for 5 mins.

   Mecurochrome, the mercury our moms put on our cuts with a plastic stick..we had two choices, like it or lump it. We liked it

   Obama should use enhanced interrogation techniques on Newt to find out where the secret "bring the price of gas down to $2.50/gallon" lever is.

   Gas prices are about $4.95 a gallon and females still think a guy is coming over to just "Chill"

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude you made your girlfriend a sandwich."

   Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

   better to be slapped by the truth than kissed with a lie