Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Micro chips in dogs and cats ..why aren't Humans doing this..?

   Dear Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!

   Never look someone straight in the eyes while eating a banana.

   Here's my cup of care \_/ Oh look. It's empty.

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   Can't wait to play the Lotto once again. I was so close last week. I was only off by 6 numbers.

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   I needs some skittles and a yoohoo

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   If I could put one thing in the U.S. Constitution, it would be "In order to wear Yoga Pants, one must have a Yoga Body."

   What's the best way to staple someone's face to their desk and make it look like an accident?