Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever since that tiger mauled Siegfried's boyfriend, I think the line has been blurred between a fruit and a vegetable. Just sayin'.

   Words of wisdom - if you take a bath when you're high on cocaine, make sure you wear a life jacket.......

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Suddenly Oil prices are more intresting than all this hype about Tebow!!!

   Had to go to a photo chop shop to get a good price on a new nose. I look amazing now!

   New Crayola colors... Aereola Pink, Ball Vein Blue, Puckered Sphincter Brown. They figured after watching Ky intense and extenze commercials, anything goes.

   The people on Jerry Springer are also the people of Walmart

   If Robert E Lee were alive, I would vote him for President

   In my opinion, McDonalds cant serve breakfast all day because neither a 14 or a 70 yr old can see the difference between a hamburger and sausage patty

   Bikini season...lets use some good judgement, if you cant see the top of your bikini bottom without squirmin....dont wear it

   Fellaz: Commenting on and liking every other half-naked girl's Facebook picture makes you look damn thirsty! Have some dignity or buy some.

   Dude, She just called you deaf.... "What?", She just called you deaf, "What?" SHE CALLED YOU DEAF, "Oh hell no my names not Beth.

   Photoshop CS6 Beta has just been released, I know all the ugly people just excited.

   missing the days when Facebook status updates had to begin with "is"

   The only difference between fear & excitement is your mind-set… Fear says, “Oh no! Excitement says, Oh WOW!

   I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.

   A PIRATE'S TOAST: May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true.

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   Hey Janet Lehman, how about I send you MY program for free? It's called a BELT!! You're welcome

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.