Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And how does everyone feel about the cost of epipens and diabetes meds, Thanks Biden.. how you like me now?

   why doesnt James Bond Fart ine Bed? It would blow his cover

   I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

   Breaking news!! Biden overheard telling Dr Jill, that Executive Orders were like Lay's potato chips. He stated "They're so good, no one, can sign just one".

   was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict

   The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

   When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a Tea cup Yorkie That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   How can there be a Facebookers Anonymous group on Facebook?

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.