Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

   me: sorry but I just can’t sugarcoat this my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

   If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.

   Its not that I'm heartless, its that I'm using my heart less.

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   If you're upset with a 200 year old statute and not the 70 murders in the US last weekend, you need to refocus your anger...

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.

   Privilege is living in public housing where you don't have a utility bill and where rising property taxes, rent and energy costs have no effect on how much food you can put on your table.

   Privilege is wearing $200 sneakers when you've never had a job.

   Privilege is the ability to go out and march against anything that triggers you, without having to worry about the consequences of calling in to work.

   Privilege is having a national college fund that supports only your race.

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

   My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio. Surprising, because we live in

   Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.