Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention all crackheads,and homeless people.... it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping $4.39 a gallon gas into my car.

   After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!

   I wonder if Michael Jackson actually looks like he did in the Thriller video by now...

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   Oh you can drink a beer in 10 seconds? You must have a very productive liver.

   Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck

   Ok, so I've got my petrol home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties.

   Has anyone seen my invisible pants?

   I once wrote a book on penguins.With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

   If its okay for girls to wear sweatpants written JUICY on the back, then it should be okay for me to have MEATY written on the front of mine.

   I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for birthdays....It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   Does February March? No, but April May.

   Home is where your booze is and where you can poop as long as you want.

   Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   NEWS: Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies.... (Specifically, the ones that swim around outside the school.)

   I keep a bat by the side of my bed,... in case a thief breaks in and wants to play a game of Baseball.

   An Eskimo in the Artic has been arrested on suspicion of rape. Police want to know where he was on the night between September and March.

   I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.