Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess if you spoke your mind you wouldn't have much to say....

   I leave homework till the last minute, because I'll be older and therefore wiser!

   Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.

   ♫So I'm shaving all my love.....Yeah I'm shaving all my lovin'...Yes I'm shaving all my love for you ♫

   depending on which clock I look at in my house, i'm either really early, or really late...

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   You know you're an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

   It took me 10 miles of driving and almost running a grandma off the road before I figured out how to change the clock in the car with 1 hand today. I felt victorious and did a fist pump.

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   Remember when you'd be driving along and see a smashed cassette tape by the side of the road with the tape stretched out forever, flying on the breeze of every passing car? I miss those days.

   Yo guys. Ever see a really good looking pregnant woman, and think of how good the sex must have been?

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   I went to a library & asked for a book about small pen!ses. The library said "I'm not sure if it's in yet" "Yup, that's the one" I replied

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.

   Roses are gray, Violets are gray, Crap. I'm a dog

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.