Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   I love the beach but I hate watching the Tide go out…It reminds me of my receding Hairline.

   I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.

   I'm so blessed that I'm not the type of person who says "I'm so blessed."

   A lot of ladies use fancy face creams at night to look younger, where as I just wear my retainer and read “The Hunger Games”.

   please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   Did you know that Facebook existed in the old testament? Daniel 5 says ".....and God wrote on Belshazzar's wall" :) and modes had them I pad tablets that he broke

   A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

   I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(

   Some people have such annoying habits, for instance-breathing...

   I'm HUGE in Japan...

   Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.

   I do everything faster when I have to pee.

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry. 

   When I was a kid, I used to close the fridge door slowly just to see when the light turned off.

   I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things