Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who go out to to socialize can be compared to zombies, who are also not thinking.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   I support Goya: Black Beans Matter

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.

   You know when it comes to being corvid free I really don't have a hard time not really socializing seeing as how I've been practicing doing that ever since I signed up for Facebook.

   I'm a BLM fan: Bacon, Lettuce, & 'Mater samich.

   DNA is so detailed, that it directs hairs where to grow on your nut sack.

   I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.

   The proverbial saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' suggests that a complex task or great achievement that shouldn't be rushed and is a great excuse for procrastinating.

   Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.

   In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

   I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

   Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

   Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way