Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

   Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Just watch the movie Tenet. It felt like a glorifed Back to the Future. Except with more plot holes.

   I just saw a Ritz Crackers commercial with some frootcake putting on lipstick, then going over his blowboy's house for huggy time. The world is ending.

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

   If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

   everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid