Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Glad to see the vaccine has been released today in the US and it's not made by the Clorox cleaning company.

   When the doc said my prostate was healthy this morning, I was deeply touched.

   That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?

   Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!

   A woman asked if I'd like a cherry cordial. I high fived myself and said, "Finally! A virgin!" Turned out she was only offering me candy.

   Do I have to have watch Spiderman one, two, three, one, two, one, and two to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.