Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.

   He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

   You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

   how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   Can’t, getting kicked out of the living room for snickering when my son’s teacher said “Where am I gonna put the bone?”

   My dog has been looking for a spot to sh*t since 1958.

   Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.

   not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid

   We must learn to accept things. Such as Biden winning the presidency and the fact that it was a sham.

   Good newsh, I'm shurvivfing the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss!

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?