lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   ..sold her tv and bought a dvd player. Bargain! Oh..wait..

   I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   ..just watched a DVD that was 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated movie.

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   ..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says.

   ..was reading the bookThe Dog That Never Dies. She couldn't put it down.

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   glad she has pajamas with pockets. Now she doesn't have to hold things while she sleeps.