Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Tip of the Day: When greeting your friend Jack at an airport,do not yell "HI,JACK!!". Another tip: prison food is terrible.

   ..sold her tv and bought a dvd player. Bargain! Oh..wait..

   I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   I asked my psychiatrist the other day if she thought I was crazy. She said, "No", so I put the flamethrower down.

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   ..just watched a DVD that was 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated movie.

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   ..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   My grandmother has false teeth. I can't believe a word she says.

   ..was reading the bookThe Dog That Never Dies. She couldn't put it down.

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs