Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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3796

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So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 08:52 by Doc Noland Comments (0)

Kiss her hello, kiss her goodbye, and kiss her for any other reason in between.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 08:34 Comments (0)

Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 08:29 by snotty Comments (0)

I know ..., I'm just like the rest of you. I completely misjudged 'Ice loves Coco'

←Rate | 03-31-2012 08:21 by Ronnald G B Comments (0)

Seen on a Deathstar bathroom wall: "For a good time, call Padme Amidala... Oops, too late."

←Rate | 03-31-2012 08:13 by Kentonious Maximus Comments (1)

Oh you got your middle finger up in your profile pic? You mother must be really proud of a job well done raising you.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 08:05 Comments (0)

I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 07:12 by flinnie Comments (0)

I won the lottery, then I woke up!

←Rate | 03-31-2012 06:40 Comments (0)

I am coming mom, I am on Stalkbook, I mean Facebook.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 06:39 Comments (0)

There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

←Rate | 03-31-2012 06:23 by snotty Comments (0)

Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 06:19 by snotty Comments (0)

Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

←Rate | 03-31-2012 05:34 Comments (0)

I just found out that I hit the $640 million Mega Millions jackpot, but my Dog swallowed the ticket.

←Rate | 03-31-2012 02:02 by Bboy Comments (0)

When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

←Rate | 03-31-2012 01:01 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)

just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

←Rate | 03-31-2012 00:55 Comments (0)

Right now in houses across the Nation, parents are trying to explain to their kids where their college funds went.

←Rate | 03-30-2012 23:54 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)

still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions

←Rate | 03-30-2012 23:41 by Vinzgomez Comments (0)

To all of you who posted your lotto numbers: I copied them and played them too. If you win, I win. And I get half. Think of it as a pre-emptive divorce.

←Rate | 03-30-2012 23:12 Comments (0)

I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;)

←Rate | 03-30-2012 22:51 Comments (0)

Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

←Rate | 03-30-2012 22:32 Comments (0)