Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When in doubt, put some booze in it.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   I'm ambidextrous; I can drink and make love equally well with either my left or right hand.

   Rearrange the letters to spell an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect: PNESI [A. spine]

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to the comedy section.

   I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.

   Eat sugar Smacks,My piss smells like Sugar Smacks.Yes today will be a good day!

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.

   Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"

   Fair is fair but sometimes unfair is still kinda fair comparatively.

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.

   let the music go...out the window...kinda day...:)

   The "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme caused me to start a lot of fights hoping I'd be shipped off to rich relatives.

   Found a 2 inch eyebrow sticking out of my head. I have terrible friends that are too self-absorbed to notice what's really important.

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”

   glee fans all need to be dumped on their own island..they're bringing our species down