Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You've changed" No actually I think the proper term is, "I've stopped trying to please you."

   I love driving behind old people. You can get so much done: eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, read a book... write a book, etc.

   Beer is made from hops and barley. Hops and barley are whole grains. Therefore Beer is healthy. You're welcome

   I throw my spanish in the air sometimes sayin ayo, no comprendo

   American kid "You're from the UK? Ohhh cool, So do you have tea with the Queen?". British kid: "Do you like, go to Mcdonald's with Obama?"

   I think "tax cheat" is too harsh of a term....I like to think of myself as "Tax mathematically challenged"

   your a midget and you do not wear a green outfit and a matching top hat......your just no fun

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   I'm Irish. I don't like anything I can't drink, f#ck, or punch.

   Old Irish Saying: hiccup, burp

   If your turds aren't green tomorrow then you're doing it wrong today...

   true fact - mcdonalds shamrock shakes makes your turd green

   the four leaf clover in a field of life.

   Go to church....the wine is free.

   Wet wipes are tissues who like to party.

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.

   2% of patients in mental hospitals are faking it, and are really just there for the cheesecake.

   I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.