Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; "What the hell are you doing?"

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila

   My girl was getting dressed and should stood in the doorway and asked "Do I look fat in this dress" I said "Nope, but that is definitely a narrow doorway"

   Some people don't always get asked out on a date. But when they do, it's usually on April 1st.

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   My sexual preference is you… daily!

   Hi, Faithbook! - Mike Tyson

   I stop swearing and everybody thinks I'm asleep? - Bobby Knight

   My gf says her doctor said no sex for 2 weeks ..ahh oh k but what your dentist say..!

   What do men have in their pants that is 6 inches, has a head on it, and women like to blow it? Answer: A $20 dollar bill

   If a chick with big boobs can work at Hooters, why can a women with one leg work at I Hop

   True southerners, don't put a ' in yall

   says, "sex is like a gas station - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   wonders...how many is y'all and how far is over yonder?

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...