Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   kleptomania! But when it get's bad I take something for it.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   Why do all of the female college basketball players look like Katt Williams ?

   Why must you mock me humpday? We both know I'm not getting any. :p

   my blind son just said this to me "hear ya later"

   i bought my mother in law a tv and furniture for her birthday...you shouldve seen her face when rent a center came and picked it up...yup she hates me

   Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.

   ever had a nightmare so bad that when you wake up you feel like throwing a party to celebrate that it was only a dream.

   You can meet 10 girls, mess with 9, talk to 8, laugh with 7, run behind 6, like 5, go out with 4, get used to 3, care about 2, but only love 1.

   My tourette syndrome in under control untill I have to deal with DUMB A$S! stupid people who lack basic MOTHER FUNK1NG! common sense. SH1T! B1TCH!

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

   lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.

   Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.

   The plain cake donut is always the last one picked.... Come with me poor little plain cake donut,, you can be on my team.

   I'd like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the exit door.

   I only have a home phone so I can find my cell phone.

   Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.

   I phoned the Procrastinators Helpline... They took my number and said they'd get back to me :/