Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Wayfair is awesome. Not only will I save space with my new Springboro storage cabinet, I'll also qualify for an additional child tax credit next year.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.