Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Somewhere there is a Mom yelling “ I swear I’ll take all this crap back”

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?

   Can someone please go to MeWe and Parlor and wish them a Merry Christmas.

   Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Don't forget to wave smile and wish your neighbors a Merry Christmas who are kind like Facebook friends you might not really know either, but live closer.

   I can’t wait for my bank account to say $601.50

   If $1200 was crumbs. What is $600 a bite

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   Now that I am woke and want to make amends for my hateful act of being born white, I want reparations for all the money I spent at Pottery Barn over the years.

   Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny.

   Walking in a winter wonderland still beats driving a Ford !

   BLOCK ME & best believe I’m downloading that text free app. We ain’t done yet.

   Did you know that the sentence "Are you as bored as I am" can be read backwards and still makes sense?

   2021 will be decided by what the Chinese will eat this christmas

   Can you catch Covid-19 from someone's fart? I'm in an elevator and we're all dying from someone's flatulence in here...Ugh!