Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Denver needed Peyton Manning because Tim Tebow has tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer."

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer.

   Normal Detroit people are probably pretty embarrassed being linked to "Hardcore Pawn"

   The meanest thing you can ever do to a blind person is leave a plunger in the toilet.

   A synonym is a word you use when you can't remember how to spell the other word.

   Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.

   The worst thing about dating a dragon with a girl tattoo is how I would never shut up about it.

   Hey astronauts, find something with eyeballs or don't come back. Enough is enough.

   I want to go to Australia so I can wear shorts with a cowboy hat yet remain straight.

   It's a Good thing Tim Tebow is a mobile Quarterback because Denver is gonna move his Ass out.

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor this without putting down my beer.

   Hard to believe we once all had phones physically attached to a wall. When it rang we'd pick it up without knowing who was calling… And it did not send or receive text messages... How Amazing! We all survived those times and we're still alive…

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)

   If you're STUPID enough to vote for someone because of a celebrity endorsement plese delete yourself from my friends list...Thank you.

   I sleep naked, I don't care what the stewardess say's.

   It took a Jimmy Carter to give us a Ronald Reagan!

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   The ability to get Pregnant is a Genetic trait. Scientific evidence shows that if your Parents never had any Children then neither will you...

   I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.