Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   It's a shame that Qatar's national airline is "Qatar Airways",, and not the far superior "Air Qatar".

   My dog ate the garbage so told him he was bad,, He yelled "you're not my real dad!" and ran away ........ wait,, I don't have a dog

   I wasn't planning on going for a run today but then those cops showed up!

   Good: Random acts of kindness… Better: Random acts of sexual kindness.

   69… you get what you give!

   It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle; you want to be manly, but you don't want to wake her up.

   3-pack condoms are ideal for married couples: Birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.

   If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

   That uneasy moment the scales start singing Lionel Richie "Three Times A Lady" when she gets on.

   Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.

   I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.

   I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had $12 in her purse.