Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mr. Coffee, Do you even manufacture a coffee pot that doesn't spill when you pour out of it? -Early Riser

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   the lower urinal for short people or long people? #clearance

   KONY - really? another villain as excuse to invade a country with enormous oil resources? I wonder if North Korea with the communist dictators level 150 launching nukes to the sea like wish lanterns will ever get attacked...

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried :)

   I was SO excited at work when they told me I was chosen for a random drug test! Turns out you shouldn't ask which ones you get to test.

   I might be having sex tonight. Is there a drink called 5-minute ENERGY ™?

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.

   My son just tried to claim that his room is not messy…that it is merely set up in obstacle-like manner to keep him fit.

   Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second.

   A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad.

   I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Just caught a woman texting & driving. I hope she knows it's a very big distraction and if a cop saw her she would get charged a very big fine because it is illegal. Anyway, I guess I should pull over and get some gas, starting to run kind of low.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me getting up every morning!

   does my BEST proofreading right after I hit send!

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.