Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by the fact that you wear Crocs, there is no way I will walk any distance in your shoes.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I would slap you but that would be animal abuse

   Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common... both are essential when I take a s$it.

   ................................................................U know when guys pee and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ..............................................That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   As I got older, I thought my attitiude was starting to mellow out. Come to find out that the reason was I just didn't give a f*ck anymore!

   My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter! PS: Those weren't black jelly beans the Easter Bunny left for you...

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Looking forward to Egg Salad Monday.

   You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?" It's the difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're shi!.

   Uhhhhh, drink kickin in I'm stimulated.. For those that don't know big words, I'M F**KIN FADED!

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   Justin Bieber's new single "Boyfriend" is a first of sorts, with the song-lyrics being written as if she were a man.

   trying to figure out how a day celebrating the resurrection of our savior was twisted into a giant bunny hiding psychedelic colored eggs and a basket full of grass and chocolate.... Seriously folks, don't do drugs only a pothead could have thought that up

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :(

   They were talking about that Mary Magdalene in church again today. What a skank.

   And on this day, high-fructose corn syrup rose again, in fulfillment of the scriptures. And there was childhood obesity. And it was good.

   It is impossible to cut a cheese tray without eating the irregular cuts.