Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up.

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   True Story-apparently Iraq has there own version of Punk'd called "Put Him in Bucca" where fake bombs were planted in celebrities cars and they were threatened with death and prison.

   Fun thing to do. Location: Shopping Mall. Items needed: Old Atari Controller and a friend as cool as you are. Stick the cord down the back of your friends pants and pretend to steer him/her around the mall with the joystick. DO IT!!!

   My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.

   Nothin' makes me feel whiter than when the Beastie Boys start rockin' out on my iPod... and I'm ok with that. :)

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.

   How does Justin bieber remove a condom after sex??? ... He farts!!!

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   The 'prevaricate' post - you are a very clever man

   Traded my Mercedes for a Horse due to gas prices. The damn horse eats $18 worth of hay and hops per meal, not to mention the poop all over my garage!!!!!!!

   Today, I ask that everyone read my posts in the voice of Forrest Gump.

   I like the word 'prevaricate' although I can't spell it

   (posted on my wife's wall this morning) Good morning Sunshine. You see that stack of bills on the counter? That's how many times I thought of you today...

   So the City that never sleeps now has a Quarterback that never sleeps with anyone?

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.