Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   when butterflies fall in love...do they feel humans in their stomach?

   This Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt is taking forever...

   my friend saif "I don't give a sh*t about Christmas, Easter and New Years", but I do give a sh*t...So he is going to be very surprised by the type of Easter Egg I give him tomorrow. It's cheaper than chocolate anyway!

   Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

   I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway.

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   I hear screaming. That is the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

   Looking at boobs make men live longer, that's why some women don't like it when we look at them.

   Lebron Hairline Don't Respect Him

   Y.O.C.O. = You're Only Cute Online