Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   Atleast Kanye let Kris Humphries finish...

   Nobody complements my girlfriend and gets away with it.

   The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you

   I use to be good at math, until they added the alphabet

   Damn, looks like someone with a small peepee lost his girlfriend to a black dude!

   Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?

   I was going to write a funny status to get a bunch of likes, but then I realized, If I just write the word Boobies all the guys on my friends list will like it! Soo BOOBIES!

   white girl + black guys = white trash

   white girls acting like they black..look at the mirror you IS WHITE

   Real Fact : white girl driving...black guy passenger seat

   When looking up Gary Oldman on Google make sure you don't leave out the 'R'..

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

   Announcing “I'm offended” is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you.

   Life is a gift ... Unrap it with Zeal !!

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   I don't want to say I have man boobs, but I went jogging and there was definite clangage