Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diet = Damn I eat that ?

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   Ladies: If "snuggling" is so important to you, have the guy do that BEFORE you have sex. Trust me...... He'll snuggle and snuggle and snuggle...

   I just know my co-workers will be really surprised when they find the Easter Eggs I left them in their office........ in the far right corner........ behind the file cabinet marked records from 1989.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.

   Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the coc$.

   I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   i put a grocery bag on the door when I ain't got no more garbage bags

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   My Mom texted me, "What does IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?" I answered, "I don't know, love you, and talk to you later." She said, "Ok I'll ask your sisters."

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   I'll be the spark & you'll be the fire. Come burn with me on a bed of desire.

   richardmooney26 is George Zimmerman hiding... nowhere to go.. sh*t to do...

   We had a girl pilot on the flight home which was fine until she overflew the airport taking duckface pictures.

   I am available for parties. Not to do anything, I just like going to parties.

   A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'